Surprising as it may seem, most people can’t distinguish between and emotion, a decision or a judgment.  They are all mental events, but they occur in different areas of the brain. Decisions and judgements are made in the prefrontal cortex of the brain.  Emotions occur in the limbic system.  The truth is that we have very little experience in expression or emotions and so we are left with the expression of value judgements (I feel good, I feel ridiculous). 

People believe the conclusions they draw about situations and place judgements on them constantly. I often say to clients, just because you put "I feel" in front of a statement doesn’t make it a feeling.  A statement such as "I feel like I had to tell them they were wrong" really means "I decided to tell them they were wrong". Or "I feel that they thought I was stupid", really means "I was afraid I appeared to not know what I was talking about".  

I spend a fair amount of time teaching clients the difference between what they are experiencing emotionally and their judgements about situations.  The importance of doing this is because most people are constantly judging themselves instead of observing what they are actually experiencing.  We are so busy trying to be good, or right, or even perfect, that we forget that we have a life to live, enjoy and experience to the fullest.  The impact that judgments have on self esteem leads people to live defensively, only surviving instead of thriving in their life.

Becoming aware of and letting yourself experience the full range of emotions is critical to our maturation as human beings.  This doesn’t mean that we have to express everything we feel.  It is just acknowledging that we have emotions which influence how we behave and how we interact with others in relationships.  Experiencing emotions - passion, anger, sadness, joy - to name a few, means that we are fully alive.  It does not mean that we are broken and need to be fixed.  Emotions are not to be sorted into positive and negative, acceptable or unacceptable. They are to be expressed, with maturity, in the service of getting our needs met; sharing ourselves with others; and increasing intimacy and understanding in our lives.

Anne Dranitsaris

Most of our emotional stress is created by thinking of the things we don’t have, or wishing that our life, our body, our relationship was different that it actually is.  This sets up inner conflict and a cycle of thoughts that repeat themselves, causing further physical and emotional distress.

Adopting an attitude of gratitude allows us to look at what we have, instead of what we don’t.  This doesn’t mean we have to ignore our feelings and become passive in our life.  It means that we focus our attention firmly on what we are trying to create and move toward what is likely more difficult to achieve. It is easy to indulge our feelings in the moment, yet as a result, we deny ourselves our goals and dreams by doing so.

So as I take myself off to the gym to work out, not really feeling like it, but doing it anyway, I feel grateful to my mother who planted the words in my head, "you never get what you want by sitting around moping.  Just go do something about it."  Not strong on empathy, but strong on empowerment.  If I want a healthy body throughout my life, I will keep going in that difficult direction, with my mother’s words in my head, even when I don’t feel like it.

Share your gratitude attitude with us.  We all need support in maintaining this approach to life.

Anne Dranitsaris

I was reflecting this morning about amount of stress we create when we live trying to be perfect rather than just having experiences that we learn from. We are constantly judging our behaviour and that of others, needing to make someone to blame when something goes wrong; making sure we are protected against the feelings we have when we disappoint, or fail to think of how we might affect others through our actions. I believe that not understanding that we do this is one of the great tragedies of our culture. It leads to constant internal and external unresolved conflict.

While trying to get my stepdaugther to recognize the impact of her behaviour on others, primarily myself and my husband, I realized that my efforts were wasted and it was an act of futility. She had no awareness of how much she was defending herself and attacking me, trying to make me wrong, rather than trying to resolve our conflict. She could not listen to what I was saying, so convinced was she that I was out to get her.

We cannot do anything about the way others interpret our behaviour, as frustrating as this is at times. But we can  always ask ourselves during communication with others, "Am I defending myself or am I actually listening to what they are saying." This keeps us in the moment, reflecting on what is going on instead of reacting to our emotions and what we are telling ourselves is happening.

Trying to be perfect is a defense against a wounded self that is unable to strive and mature. When we live this way, the best we can expect is to survive. Beginning to live, experience and negotiate through life without the need to be right, perfect or doing what one “should” is a worthwhile struggle and one that is guaranteed to reduce stress.

Anne Dranitsaris

Stress affects our physical health as much as food and exercise does. A combination of emotional and physical pressures, stress can either help you deal more effectively with challenges and problems or make them many times worse. Some common early signs of stress include; irritability, headaches, digestive problems, pain in neck and shoulders, dizziness and raised blood pressure. With prolonged or regular overstress, these can lead to or develop into conditions that are more serious.
Because the mind and body deeply affect each other, ‎too much stress also affects us mentally and emotionally. Some of the emotional and behavioural changes we can experience include a change in the way we relate to other people. For example, people can become more depressed, withdrawn, and not able to listen to others or be less sensitive towards others. Emotions like anxiety, anger, and frustration can become heightened.
There is something we can do about our reaction to stress! Because of the nature of stress, drugs do not effectively treat it. However, an approach to living our lives that leads to reduced pain and suffering, physical wellness, and inward peace can be learned through a program called Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) originally developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center. This program was designed for people who want to work with their own stress, pain, and illness in order to mobilize their own inner resources of mind and body for growing, healing, and taking charge in new ways in their lives.