I was reflecting this morning about amount of stress we create when we live trying to be perfect rather than just having experiences that we learn from. We are constantly judging our behaviour and that of others, needing to make someone to blame when something goes wrong; making sure we are protected against the feelings we have when we disappoint, or fail to think of how we might affect others through our actions. I believe that not understanding that we do this is one of the great tragedies of our culture. It leads to constant internal and external unresolved conflict.

While trying to get my stepdaugther to recognize the impact of her behaviour on others, primarily myself and my husband, I realized that my efforts were wasted and it was an act of futility. She had no awareness of how much she was defending herself and attacking me, trying to make me wrong, rather than trying to resolve our conflict. She could not listen to what I was saying, so convinced was she that I was out to get her.

We cannot do anything about the way others interpret our behaviour, as frustrating as this is at times. But we can  always ask ourselves during communication with others, "Am I defending myself or am I actually listening to what they are saying." This keeps us in the moment, reflecting on what is going on instead of reacting to our emotions and what we are telling ourselves is happening.

Trying to be perfect is a defense against a wounded self that is unable to strive and mature. When we live this way, the best we can expect is to survive. Beginning to live, experience and negotiate through life without the need to be right, perfect or doing what one “should” is a worthwhile struggle and one that is guaranteed to reduce stress.

Anne Dranitsaris